How you doin´?

Yep, still very much in our Friends phase. Sometimes we watch, sometimes we just have it on in the background. It started right after Marco was transferred to the university hospital in Oslo and we sort of kept going ever since.

And yeah, I get that question sooooo often. How I am. Not in the low sexy Joey voice kinda way, but in all sorts of different ways. How are you doing? How are you today? How are you feeling? How ARE you doing now? And I could go on an on in a million different variations.

People ask me online, on the phone, at the sports club, via app, at work, at the hospital and then I am missing out at least a dozen other places where people ask me how I am. Don´t get me wrong, I am so grateful that all these people (yeah you!) care enough to ask. Care enough to wonder how I am doing. But to be honest, I have no idea what to answer.

How am I doing?

I haven´t asked myself that question since the end of last year. I haven´t plucked up enough courage to ask myself that question. And my rational mind tells me "what good will it do to know how I am doing, just keep on going and you´ll be fine". And then again, I guess it kinda changes from day to day, from moment to moment, how I am doing.

What if I would ask myself that question right now. How am I doing, right now?
Well, my back hurts, my hands are aching and I am tired beyond belief. And I am grateful for the big pup sitting happily on the couch beside me. Laughing even though it must be about the zillionth time we are watching this Friends episode. And the little puppy is curled up against my leg and sound asleep in front of the fireplace.
And when I did the dishes tonight I couldn´t help but cry cry cry because all of a sudden the overwhelming feeling of missing Marco washed over me. Probably because I was splashing the dishwater too much and my socks were getting wet.
And now I am ok again.

I guess my mode of survival is to just keep on going. Keep going as best I can because if I curl up and ask myself how I am doing, I will not be able to get back at it for a while and that is just a waste of precious time to live.

So there you have it. That is how I am doing. At this moment.

Don´t know about tomorrow yet. Just know that the oncologist will ask me that exact question again when we meet tomorrow afternoon. Not sure yet what my answer will be.

I am taking it day by day you guys. Moment by moment. Making it through the day with a smile on my face at least 80% of the time plus 2 happy pups in the house is a win!