When it does get to you

Let me warn you, this is not gonna be one of those uplifting, positive, let´s keep going posts. This will not be about ´yes I do have so much to be grateful for´ (I do, though) and ´there is so much good going on in my life´ (even though there actually is).

I just feel I wanna write about when it all does get to me. And very egoistically I did not consider your needs before writing this. I just wanted to write it down to hopefully get it out of my system.

Because sometimes it does get to me. The it being everything. Well, maybe not everything, but like the bigger things.
- not being healthy
- not ever being healthy again
- no hair
- not ever having hair again
- no Marco
- not ever having Marco here again
- not working
- not sure what´s happening on the work front

I mean those are the bigger things that can keep me awake at night. And when I start thinking about these things, sometimes it only gets darker and darker instead of me being able to switch on the mental light again. Sometimes I even venture out to the really dark edges and think about what would happen if the unhealthy bit would become really unhealthy. I guess that is my biggest fear. The Marco bit is pretty definitive. I mean he will never come back and that is just something I have to deal with. And the work bit, well there is always a solution, some type of work somewhere I can be doing.

But the health bit is something I have least control over. I am usually pretty good in convincing myself that all will be ok. And with the booster shot dates, the past couple of dates have been great with blood values that are near normal. For those days, when I am meeting with the oncologist though, I am not so good at reassuring myself. As I am usually his first appointment of the day, I try to read the oncologist´s face when he walks past and greets me. And then when he calls me in to the meeting room.

Those nights where I have been to the dark edges, it takes a bit of extra effort to get the day started. Sometimes I just wanna curl up and go to sleep and not have to make decisions. Not have to be the one to be stuck with needles or decide on what will be for dinner or give out my personal number to see if it matches the one on the bag of chemo fluid.

So there you have it. Or a bit of it.

I am lucky in so many aspects of my life. And privileged.

But sometimes I just wanna hide under the covers and skip a day. Or two.