I survived!

It has been almost 6 months since Marco died.

Sometimes it feels like it was only yesterday that we were visiting Marco in Oslo at the hospital. Or that I drove back and forth to the hospital here in Lillehammer to make sure to be with Marco as much as possible. I can still hear his raspy voice, the second to last time I was there, when he whispered that he was so glad that I had come back after I had been home to check on Mik. I feel all shaky inside just writing this down. Good thing we´ve got tissues on the living room table since January.

On the other hand, it feels like forever that I felt Marco´s arm around my shoulders. It has been ages ago since we watched a thriller together. And I just can´t master cooking fried rice the way Marco could.

But I survived. I survived the first 6 months after Marco´s untimely death.

The first few days, no weeks, felt so overwhelming. But with all the love and support from my new friends here and my old friends and of course my awesome family, I got all the practical stuff organized. Although I still got some pending issues with my ´friends´ at the Swedish tax authorities and the Dutch pension authorities. Then again, after all these years with them writing me letters and me responding in diplomatic mails with heaps of attachments, it would feel extra empty without their correspondence.

But with most practical stuff organized and life with just Mik and me becoming more and more our new normal, I realize from time to time there is so much more to dealing with this than just surviving the first 6 months. Even though it is what it is, sometimes I really struggle with the fact that I am the only adult in the household. There are days or hours where I would just like to switch off and not have the primary feeling of struggling.

Please don´t get me wrong. I have soooo much to be grateful for, I know that. And I feel that. But sometimes it just get´s a bit of a mess in my head with those different feelings battling it out and trying to be first in my mind, you know what I mean?

I guess Gloria G. got it right:

Oh no, not I, I will survive
Oh as long as I know how to love, I know I´ll stay alive
I´VE GOT ALL MY LIFE TO LIVE!